


Everything That Kills Me (Makes Me Feel Alive)

by PartridgeOnAPearTree



Series: NSFW Bedi-tober Challenge [2]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Bedi has a boyfriend, Cheating, Emotional Manipulation, I wrote with someone specific in mind but you can think of whoever you like, M/M, Yandere, Yandere Gudao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:40:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26791552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PartridgeOnAPearTree/pseuds/PartridgeOnAPearTree
Summary: NSFW Bedi-tober Day 2: CuckingThough overwhelmed Ritsuka was, somehow, without realizing, he already has managed to get past things that are way bigger than himself. But this doesn’t change that he's just a normal person, and a normal person falls in love with a fellow normal person. So he falls in love with Bedivere a little too much.
Relationships: Bedivere | Saber/Fujimaru Ritsuka
Series: NSFW Bedi-tober Challenge [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952083
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Everything That Kills Me (Makes Me Feel Alive)

**Author's Note:**

> lately i've been, i've been losing sleep  
> dreaming about the things that we could be

Ritsuka Fujimaru is humanity’s last master. Although he wasn’t one of the top choices—if anything, he was just chosen to meet a quota—the responsibility of saving the world fell into no one else’s hands but his. Of course, that’s not to say that he doesn’t have some help. He has his trusty _kouhai_ , Mash Kyrielight; the beautiful genius, Leonardo da Vinci; and of course, Chaldea’s acting director, Romani Archaman.

But even so, it’s still true that during the heat and danger of the battle, everything is according to his command.

It can get overwhelming.

And though overwhelmed he was, somehow, without realizing, he already has managed to get past things that are way bigger than himself. He resolved seven singularities and conquered Demon Pillars including a remnant from Goetia, the first Beast that Chaldea has encountered, whom he also defeated. And even before Goetia, there were heroes from all eras, gods, goddesses—

But this doesn’t change that he's just a normal person.

And a normal person falls in love with a fellow normal person.

Out of all the people and servants he met, the one that made his heartbeat go crazy is none other than Bedivere. Even if he's a servant and Ritsuka is a normal human, their difference doesn’t feel at all apparent. He's most comfortable with Bedivere even when they just sit and talk about simple things.

Maybe it’s because they're both simple people that were thrust with a task far greater than themselves, both with a responsibility that they couldn’t really refuse.

When he died in front of Ritsuka as he returned the king’s sword, Ritsuka just felt numb. It didn’t show at all that he felt like he died inside because he didn’t exactly have time to grieve at that moment, not when he's in front of the Lion King, the enemy that he must eliminate for that singularity.

But he knows he died inside.

It didn’t feel like he was really there as he went with the following motions he took. He directed and supported Mash, he defeated the Lion King, but it was as if he was just watching the actions of someone else while he, in actuality, just floats around. Soon, he was in Chaldea, being thanked, being recommended to rest, but he feels like he's not truly hearing any of it.

He wanted nothing but go back in his room and have a long, long sleep.

But then, his brain started buzzing as Romani said, “Oh, I do have one bit of good news. A new name just showed up on the list of summonable Heroic Spirits. He never had any accomplishments to become a Heroic Spirit, but after what happened, maybe humanity recognized him.”

What he felt after was a bit painful, but he loved it because it made him feel alive. His heart started beating with a pace that he must have had before considering his experiences in the singularities, but at that moment, it was as if it was the first time. He and Mash ran to where Bedivere was, and they were both ecstatic. Mash because she finally has a new _senpai_ —a Round Table _senpai_ at that—and Ritsuka because he already knows he was in love.

It must be too fast to declare something like that considering that they only spent time in the singularity, and whatever occurred there wasn’t exactly the ideal way to bond and think of romance, but he couldn’t really help it. That’s why he tells himself that he will use any drop of downtime to bond with Bedivere and get to know him better. He makes a silent promise that he would always take Bedivere to whatever quest, even the easiest and dullest ones, anything to hasten their bonding.

He gave Bedivere a total of nine grails to strengthen his Spirit Origin. They weren’t wish-granting grails, they were the ones that Chaldea has to enhance a servant’s limits. Apart from this, he also lets Bedivere stay in his room. He never put any effort to hide his affection and favoritism. Those weren’t things that he wanted to hide. If anything, he wanted everyone to know.

When Valentine’s came, he made sure that the first chocolate he gives and the first return gift he receives are for and from no one else but Bedivere.

Bedivere smiled and blushed so cutely. He said that he hesitated about giving Ritsuka a gift because he was worried about overstepping his boundaries.

But he did prepare something.

And Ritsuka was overjoyed.

That was the first time he hugged Bedivere.

And it also was the last time that Ritsuka managed to hug him because far too soon, Bedivere entered a romantic relationship with someone else.

\--

Bedivere and his partner work too well together during battle. Ritsuka doesn’t even want to think his name. It just gives him so much bitterness. It was bad enough that Ritsuka always brings that person to quests because that person really was undeniably competent. It was only in his mind where he can pretend that that person is someone who doesn’t even have a name.

The bitterness that he feels was unbelievable. He knows that he only met Bedivere during the singularity and only got to bond with him in Chaldea. He knows that his silent courtship has lasted only less than a year. That’s why he can’t really compete with someone who has already known Bedivere in his original life as much as he wants to. It makes him feel bitter because if the competition is time spent together, it’s a competition that he can’t even join.

The grails that he gave and the quests that they did together were all meaningless. It makes his heart feel like it was being crumpled by a force he can’t even begin to resist.

It felt like being dropped from the sky.

For some reason, when the quest ends and they return to Chaldea, Bedivere stays with Ritsuka instead of running off with his partner like he always does. His partner waves them both goodbye, saying that he’ll see Bedivere later. It makes Ritsuka feel like he's being played with. It’s already hard enough to control himself and remain perfectly civil without showing any hints of his bitterness without any of them rubbing salt on his wounds.

“Ah, Master, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Bedivere had a shy smile. Ritsuka would usually be happy about that, but he's been unable to feel happy about it ever since he saw Bedivere showing that exact same smile to his partner.

“What is it?” It sounded more impatient than he wanted it to be. He sounded like a person who has someplace to be and is only staying in the conversation to be courteous. Not like that was entirely inaccurate. Its latter half applies to him.

If Bedivere noticed how cold he is right now and how cold he has been all this time compared to his past behavior, it didn’t show on his face. “I was just thinking… Master knows how to make chocolates, right? I know you give all the servants chocolates every year.”

“I do. Why?”

“Oh, I was just wondering—if and only if it’s no trouble, I mean—if I could join you make chocolates this year. As you noticed, the ones I gave you last year were store-bought, so I wanted to try making this year’s ones myself. I plan to give █▄▄▏▏▄ some chocolates,” Ritsuka doesn’t want to hear that name. “My fellow knights, my kings, and of course you, my master.”

“Why ask me?” Ritsuka asks. He contemplates just leaving it there, but despite his bitterness, his love still won’t allow him to be completely rude to Bedivere. “You know, Emiya is a better cook. Or if you want a fellow British, maybe you would find it easier to talk to Boudica.”

“Oh…” Bedivere looked slightly discouraged for a moment, but Ritsuka catches him steel himself. “…To be perfectly honest, I wanted to spend time with you, Master.”

Ritsuka hates this feeling in his chest. He knows hope when he feels it. “…Why?”

“I just feel like we haven’t been spending much time together, especially compared to my first year here in Chaldea. I had a feeling that maybe you were upset with me, but… I thought I’ll never know unless I really ask.”

Ritsuka hates this feeling so much. He hates that hearing that actually made his heart feel warm. “…Mmm, yeah, maybe I am a bit upset.”

“I knew it.” Bedivere frowns. “I'm really sorry, Master. I shouldn’t have waited for too long. I keep telling myself that maybe I was just overthinking since you still took me with you for your quests, but I guess I did guess right. █▄▄▏▏▄ recommended that I talk to you if I'm really unsure, and I'm glad I did.”

He hates this. “…You mean you only approached me about this because █▄▄▏▏▄ told you to?”

“No, that’s not it! I really wanted to talk to you about it, Master…”

“Then why did you wait until he told you to?”

He hates this, he hates this, he hates this, he hates this, he hates this, he hates this, he hates this—

“I'm so sorry, Master.” Bedivere frowns so sadly that it made Ritsuka’s chest hurt. “I just wanted to sort things out with you, but it seems that all I can do is make you even more upset. Is there a way for me to make you happy with me again, Master…?”

Ritsuka actually regards that question. Is there a way? He knows there is, but he's sure that there's none that Bedivere would agree to do. He wants Bedivere to be with only him. Bedivere is happy with █▄▄▏▏▄. It’s not going to work.

“…No.”

“Oh.” Bedivere looked so hurt. Ritsuka is hurt seeing that too. “Not even a simple thing…?”

“Nothing that you'll agree with.”

“You can try me, Master!” He smiles just a bit, a hint of hope on his face. “Please. Let me make it up to you.”

“I'm really sure that you won’t agree.”

“How can you be sure without trying, Master?”

“I just know it.”

“Please, Master, I just want to make it up to you. I’ll do anything just to see you smile at me again.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I swear on my honor as a knight and as your servant.”

Ritsuka looks at him closely. It _has_ been a while since they spent this long together just the two of them. Anything to make Ritsuka smile at him again, he says… Even if he's bitter, he doesn’t really want to scare Bedivere away. He's sure that the moment he makes his desires known, Bedivere will hate him. He doesn’t know how he’ll live with that. He might just self-destruct.

“…Then, can you come with me to my room?” So he doesn’t really know why he's doing this. He feels so nervous, it’s like his heart is going to explode. “Just like how we did before.”

Bedivere smiles again and nods. “It _has_ been a while.”

They walk silently to Ritsuka’s room. This was a usual thing that they did before, but now, his nervousness due to it is so strong it’s like his feet are threatening to just stop working spontaneously. Despite this kind of sentiments in his head, they manage to reach his room without trouble.

Ritsuka locks the door behind him when the both of them are inside.

“Is there anything you wanted to talk about in private, Master?”

“I want to kiss you.”

“Oh.” He blinks. And then, as if he realized too late, his face blossoms into a shade of red. “A-Ah. Huh?”

“I want to kiss you… Bedi.” He hasn’t called Bedivere with that fond nickname for so long, but it still feels familiar on his tongue. Bedi, Bedi, Bedi. He wishes he never stopped. He wishes he never had to stop. Maybe he never really _had_ to, but his bitterness kept him from doing it.

“Oh… Is that… Well… You do know that I'm with █▄▄▏▏▄, right…?”

“I don’t want to hear his name right now, Bedi.”

“Sorry, but I was just… I can’t break his trust, Master.”

“He doesn’t have to know.”

“Even so… I'm just not that kind of person, Master.”

“You said you'd do anything.”

“Well… I did say that, but…”

“You're such a liar, Bedi.” He hates this. His chest hurts. It’s on fire. He wants to grab his heart and make it stop.

“No, sorry, I…” He looks at the ground, his eyebrows furrowed sadly, contemplating his options. “Master…”

“…Well, I told you it’s nothing you'll agree to. You can go now if you want.”

“Is there really nothing else I can do…? I just want to be close companions with you again. I know I'm just a servant, but I really did cherish our bond…”

“I already told you what I want.”

“But why would you ask for something like that?”

“You really don’t know?”

“I don’t…”

“I love you.” When Ritsuka imagined how his confession would go, he usually came up with happy and soft scenarios where they're smiling and blushing so happily. He didn’t realize that once it really happens, it will be not even the slightest bit like his fantasies. Here, in reality, he just said the words so blankly. He doesn’t even know how he looks right now. It can’t be as loving as he would like.

“Master…”

“I thought it was obvious enough. I never hid it.”

“I'm so sorry. I must have caused you so much pain…”

“Mmm… Yeah, you really have.”

“I'm sorry.” Bedivere looked so guilty. It was the same looked he had when the Lion King would come up in conversations during their time in the singularity. Ritsuka knows how much the king means to Bedivere, so he's just flattered to elicit this kind of look from him, too.

“You can leave.”

“I… Just… Just one kiss should be fine… I think.” Bedivere sounded so hesitant, but Ritsuka’s heart was already doing somersaults upon hearing it. Bedivere looked even guiltier than he did before. It was as if his level of guilt jumped quite intensely with mere seconds.

Ritsuka holds his hand. It was never soft, considering all he has been through and the hard work he does, but for Ritsuka, Bedivere’s is the only hand that’s soft enough. They walk to Ritsuka’s bed, and Bedivere sits when Ritsuka does, his every action hesitant. Ritsuka’s heart won’t stop beating against his chest. He has dreamed about this for so long. He daydreams about this and then goes ahead to have dreams about it too when asleep.

Bedivere closes his eyes when Ritsuka inches closer. He knows Bedivere believes himself to be plain and ordinary, but to Ritsuka, there's no one else that he would regard as more beautiful. There's nothing else in his heart but Bedivere’s name on it. He puts his hands on Bedivere’s cheeks. The beating of his heart is starting to deafen him.

When their lips meet, he felt alive once again. This is the exact feeling he had when he found out Bedivere managed to be summoned in Chaldea. This is the feeling he had when he hugged Bedivere for the first time. This feeling that warms his entire body, this feeling that intoxicates his mind and makes him drunk.

Bedivere’s lips are so soft. They're just as soft as they were in his fantasies. The warmth of his cheeks on his palms, the warmth of his chest against his own—they were just like he dreamed. He prods Bedivere’s lips open with his tongue. He hears Bedivere’s make a small startled sound, but he doesn’t resist.

When their tongues finally meet, he feels just the slightest bit of what felt like electricity on his body. He feels so alive.

He only realizes that he has pushed Bedivere to lie on the bed when he pulls away and sees Bedivere underneath him.

They were both breathing deeply. Bedivere’s face was sweating and red, and it’s the most beautiful thing that Ritsuka has ever seen. Somehow, he feels emotional. When Bedivere and █▄▄▏▏▄ got together, he just accepted his defeat. But now… he feels emboldened. And this is an awful thought, but he really wants to steal Bedivere away.

“…I really love you, Bedi.” He says without thinking. It felt automatic. It was an instinctive reaction upon seeing something so beautiful, like retracting your hand upon contact with a hot surface. Thinking wasn’t necessary. It just happened. “I’ll do anything for you, and I mean that.”

“Master…”

Ritsuka leans in for another kiss. Bedivere makes that startled noise again, but just like before, he doesn’t protest. Ritsuka tries to give him a more passionate kiss, tries to convey all these feelings that he has hidden so far with just kisses alone. When Bedivere kisses back, his brain pretty much short-circuits.

“I love you…” Ritsuka whispers as he peppers more kisses on his jaw and on his neck. “I love you so much. I want to make love to you…”

“You're… very special to me… Master. I hate to see you upset.”

“I’ll never be upset again if you were mine.” Ritsuka takes a deep breath. “…I love you. Be mine, Bedi.”

“…I really don’t think this is right, but…”

“Just for today. Let’s pretend that you're with me instead.”

“This is really unfair to—”

“Don’t say his name.”

“…S-Sorry, but… yes, you understand my point.”

“I love you so much. I just love you so much. It’s all my mind is screaming every day.” Ritsuka buries his head on Bedivere’s neck. “…You don’t want me to be in pain, right?”

“Of course not… I’ll never want you to be in pain.”

“Then you'll be mine for today, won’t you?”

The guilt on his face was beautiful even if it hurt. He nods so slowly, and Ritsuka just kisses him again out of sheer happiness. He just feels so drunk. He loves Bedivere so much. Being this close to him again after for so long intoxicated him faster than he could ever expect. All his mind can register is that Bedivere nodded. He said yes, he said yes, he said yes—

When Ritsuka finally sees his bare body wholly, his ability to formulate words just disappeared. He already knew that he would love all of Bedivere no matter what, and now he’s surely truly right. He peppers kisses everywhere he can find—his neck, his collarbones, his chest, his torso…

But Ritsuka’s favorite was the way his skin flushed.

His skin flushed when Ritsuka kissed, sucked, bit. His skin flushed even when Ritsuka merely pressed. His skin flushed as he touched him everywhere that █▄▄▏▏▄ has never. It was a visible and concrete effect of himself on Bedivere’s body, and it does everything to even further his intoxication. Like this, he can see and feel that Bedivere is his, his, his, his—

When his fingers go inside Bedivere and Bedivere bit his own hand to silence himself, he gently pried Bedivere’s hand away from his mouth. Ritsuka kissed the spot that Bedivere bit while his other hand continued to make Bedivere feel good. The sounds that he made—Ritsuka bets no one has ever heard them aside from him. And if he were to be honest, he doesn’t want anyone else to hear.

When he finally enters Bedivere, he thought that this might be yet another dream. It’s just far too perfect—Bedivere’s sweaty and flushed skin, his embarrassed face that is undeniably in pleasure despite his shyness, his moans that go straight to Ritsuka’s brain. But each mark that his pressing and sucking is leaving convinces him enough that this is reality.

Bedivere truly is his. And he's not going to let anyone take Bedivere away.

When he finishes inside Bedivere, he allows himself to collapse on top of him. His mind is usually blank after orgasm, but this time, his brain allows him one thought: Bedi is mine, Bedi is mine, Bedi is mine. He only notices that he's trembling when he wraps Bedivere in an embrace.

As he drifts to sleep, the one thought that occupies his mind changes.

It becomes ‘ _I need to get rid of that person_ ’.

\--

“Welcome to Da Vinci-chan’s lovely shop. Are you looking for something?”

“Ah, Da Vinci-chan, I just wanted to ask. What can I get with a rare prism?”

**Author's Note:**

> NSFW Bedi-tober Day 3 prompt is Exhibitionism, so look forward to it if you're into that :)


End file.
